It seems we now live in a world where people are less inhibited about discussions of once-taboo topics. Ask anyone about religion or politics, and you’ll likely get an answer. And, many times, don’t ask—you’ll still get a very thorough accounting of someone else’s belief system. They’ll probably tell you how much money they made last year along with the particulars of their love life, too. Be careful, or you’ll learn things you will never forget, even after years of therapy!

In some sense, this ability to be more open is good, though some of these conversations do make us yearn for simpler times. However, even though people are more comfortable than ever parading embarrassing details of their lives on Oprah and Access Hollywood and a new morality has trickled down upon the masses, there are some pieces of information people will protect like the national Nuclear Football. As people readily share the hows of their lives, they still protect the whys. Motivations for certain actions are held as close as hole cards in a high-stakes poker game. Motivations have the power to embarrass, impugn, malign, accuse, and incriminate. It is easy to apologize for how you do something, but it is proportionally difficult to disavow WHY you would do something. Yet, often the why is the only thing that matters.

In conflict resolution, it is vital to seek out these motivations so that they may be openly and honestly addressed. Whether it is a mediation, sales presentation, or just figuring out why your coworker is hard to get along with, you cannot have a satisfactory solution that does not answer core motivations. This is the key to mutually-beneficial solutions. Likewise, we have to be wary of adversarial situations in which one side presumes the motivations of the other as a way to paint them as unreasonable. We must see this for what it is—not only an incredulous attack that stalls understanding, but also a distraction of the accuser’s true motives.

To find answers, one should ask questions, not continually make statements. To persuade, one should know which valid concerns to address, not simply paint them all as wholly unreasonable. When one repeatedly fails to do these things in their attempts to answer and persuade, then perhaps we should be the ones to start asking, “What’s YOUR motivation?”

Jared A. Chambers