If it can be said that no good deed goes unpunished, then there are few things in life that are quite so punishing as loyalty in friendship. Sometimes, the more loyal one is to their friends, it only seems to beg the question in others if loyalty to one is inherently disloyal to another. Sometimes we can mistake conflict for dislike, when in reality it can be rooted in more positive feelings that have left one feeling betrayed when there is uncertainty as to the loyalties and feelings of another.

In the practice of mediation, no tenet is more central and fundamental than the real and perceived neutrality of the mediator. The mediator must not only be neutral as to the facts, but he or she must also work to present neutrality in practice and presentation in front of disputing parties. It is this neutrality that engenders the trust needed to have an open forum where real solutions can be reached. It’s a practice that takes natural talent, focused training, and real experience.

As a neutral, it is by virtue of experience, learning, and intuition that I can sense impending disaster when well-meaning people want to help friends around them in regards to their relationships with other friends. In mediation, a neutral gathers facts and guides communication without offering premeditated solutions. Too often in life, good people go on half the facts with ironic certainty as to the correct outcome. The imbalance creates questions as to loyalty and can often foster a sense of betrayal. Instead of being an effective problem solver amongst equals, the unwitting friend is perceived as a partisan messenger and spokesperson. Although Shakespeare wrote the advice of “Don’t shoot the messenger” into more than one of his plays over 400 years ago, it is still a very natural tendency for most. In that, perhaps the better advice would be, “Don’t volunteer to be a messenger.”

It is a good deed to be loyal to friends and offer help and counsel. It is perhaps a better deed to understand it is neither disloyal nor unwise to let others reach their own conclusions and solutions regarding problems that they may have and that you cannot effect. Sometimes the best you can offer is trust and faith, and you may even live to tell about it!

Jared A. Chambers